EMDR FORUM ARCHIVE, 2000
Re:EMDR after 10 sessions...WOW
NEW EMDR client · 11/07/02 at 11:46 PM ET
You pretty much got the entire picture of my difficulties with therapy. Only a just a little clarification needed, but excuse my long windedness: the talk therapy is an intellectual process that addresses concepts (my definition from my experience) with the intent to bring better understanding of one's self "in the scheme of things." I have poured my heart out in such sessions, and received much input, BUT took little, if any, "understanding" away with me. CREATIVITY is the ability to "tap in" to one's inner self, one's uniqueness, and go with the whatever that pops up and fits. This occurs, most likely, with MOST people (but I don't know "most people") as a matter of nature. In some people the creativity flows more than in others. Others may not trust the strange "inner voice" and pay it little attention. I have recently come to believe that I may have been "emotionally abandoned" to some extent as an infant/child. I have always believed that I had a normal & happy childhood, with good, loving parents. Now, with all the battles with depression and the recent research to learn more about Depression, I have come to the conclusion that all previous therapy was treating the symptom and not the problem. I was apparently "driven" to seek my parents' approval as a child and growing up. My mother was a working lady, and I don't know how soon she may have returned to work after my birth, but I do know that I was left in the care of a local hired housekeeper. Though not severe, my efforts to please my Mother never seemed to be acknowledged. When I would complete a chore for my Dad, he would always tell me how I should do it some better way the next time. It was a message interpreted by a youngster that I never did anything quite good enough. My parents were not particularly emotional folks. As a matter of fact, it was stressed that I should "control" my emotions. As children we were to be seen and not heard. We were NOT to express ourselves. Nobody was interested in what I had to say. (Probably why this is so drawn out) With all that I have come to understand with recent therapy, the depression is a symptom of my blocked emotions. I began this "quest" to "change my thinking" over 30 years ago. It is only now that I have realized that my feelings are blocked. It was not permitted to express anger in my home growing up, so -- for the most part -- I learned to suppress it. And, since no one ever seemed to want to hear what I had to say, I always had to try to "figure out" what people wanted to hear, or what was popular to talk about, and repress any input from "within." Not only did I not trust my "inner self," I never knew there was anything there. I have lived my life IN MY HEAD. Talk therapy bounced around in my head and made a lot of sense, but had nowhere to settle. The logic did not contradict the emotions. There were no emotions to contradict (except frustration). The depression has always restrained any emotions. I am told that there is a lot of anger underneath the depression that I need to get in touch with. I have now come to believe that, and have been looking for the means to get in touch with the emotions. I have tried self-hypnosis, hypno-therapy, Silva Mind Control, and meditation. With meditation there is just one big BLANK. So it has been with EMDR. The present therapist is one that I located thru a web site referral for EMDR, after I first discovered and read up on EMDR on the Net. I VERY MUCH appreciate your advice on selecting a therapist, and how the "relationship" is important. But how does one whose only relationship is with his wife (and it has been a rather poor one for most of the marriage) evaluate such a professional relationship? I have no close friends as I have withdrawn with the depression & don't circulate much anymore. My concerns are her youth, which translates to lack of experience, and that the generation gap may affect her approach. The previous psychotherapist was closer to my age, and he stressed how the therapeutic process was a "partnership." But I never "felt" a partnership connection. It may be that he did everything that he could to promote such a relationship, but that I could not "feel" it. This present therapists has asked me to monitor my feelings/emotions/moods and write down in a journal the circumstances around them and any physical sensations I may detect. In over a week of this there has only been one tremendous outburst of rage when I sensed that my wife was accusing me of mishandling family finances & I could not seem to make her understand the facts of the matter. All of the rest of the time there is only the dull ache of the depression. Today I discussed some of my concerns with her. I was ready to give up on EMDR. What I needed to know was if she had experienced anyone previously with such “blocked feelings” and had she been successful in working with them to get past the block. She said she had, but, of course, made the point that everyone is different & it takes time. Said that it wouldn’t necessarily happen if 5 sessions. This was a positive comment to me, as I would be happy if ANYTHING positive happens in less than 20 sessions. So, we have set EMDR aside for now, and I am learning about Dr. Alexander Lowen’s Bioenergetics Mind Body Therapy. We started “Body Work” today: breathing in somewhat contorted positions, locating tension in body muscles, and slamming a large pad to take out rage. It seemed “silly” at the time, but after the session I felt a slight relief. Wasn’t much of a feeling, but the FIRST feeling of anything good after ANY previous therapy session. “ Tomorrow is another day.”
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