Re: to Barbara

"How does one "find" such a therapist? As personally involved as she was, this therapist did not have the tools to address my real problem. At the time I had no idea of what the real problem was. I was depressed and frustrated with my marriage and my career. She identified problems in the marriage that overflowed in my business, and did her best to talk me into realizing different ways to approch such problems. What she couldn't do was talk to the 'real me,' where I believe the change must be made, because the 'real me' was barricaded away before I ever got to know the 'real me'"

I will respond, and no doubt get in trouble for doing so again. You ask how to find a therapist who is capable of connecting to you and who also has the skill and the professional perspective to focus on both emotion and problem solving, I think.

I think that now, it will be easier than in the past to find a therapist who believes that it is emotions and not thoughts or actions, or even the damage done by your parents, alone that impede change. This seems to be the spirit of the age in therapy now. You have to find someone who is current and who uses one of the models which focuses on emotions, but also helps you change your behavior too. I'm not real familiar with ego states, but I believe that it was born in transactional analysis. Someone correct me if I am wrong. You could do some searching there and see if it feels correct to you. As I wrote in the very beginning, you might want to look into schema therapy, born in cognitive therapy but with its main emphasis on emotion rather than thoughts. One of the "modes" in schema therapy is the "detached protector" a sort of ego state that cuts off feelings.

Also part of the the spirit of the age in therapy is meditation. If you are lucky to find a form of meditation that clicks for you, you will also find parts of your true self through the practice. It just takes time and consistant practice. I particularly like the energy based meditations, kundalini might be a term for you to investigate. This preceeded Bioenergetics by several hundred years,but is much like it I think, but a meditation practice. After all, if you don't feel emotions in your body, where do you feel them? And there's great wisdom in the concept of "energy centers," for it is in these centers where you feel the corresponding emotions. For example, you experience love in your heart or chest. Maybe, you might find that EMDR with another therapist works for you. After all, I've written a lot about how it is shown that much of the success in therapy is finding the therapist who instinctively knows how to heal. And, from what I can figure, much of that comes from finding a therapist who is not only skilled but also capable and willing to connect with you. Different models of therapy hold different beliefs about this I believe. Some maintain a more distant stance with patients/clients.

I think that in many ways, the EMDR presented on this forum is all about these concepts, the unconscious, feeling in the body, and emotions or the lack of them causing problems.

How do you find a helpful therapist? As I said, I called a major university for a referal after doing much research on the therapy that I hoped would work for me. I also had a list of qualities that I wanted to find in a therapist. Someone known to get results. Someone who was successful in the field. Someone who I would like to be like. Someone smart and healthy. Someone older than myself was actually in my criteria, but you don't want someone practicing antiquated therapy or too far away from what's current. You are looking for what's current and effective.

I was diligent about being understood. I wasn't going to have anyone place me incorrectly in a model either out of ignorance or strident adherence to a belief system that didn't fit. That's why I feel that it's important to find a therapist who comes from a background close to your own. In a sense, you are chosing a friend, and you need to be understood. Misunderstood out of ignorance, it's too easy for a therapist to do damage changing you in ways that are wrong for you.

I was lucky to find someone who almost tolerated my control and who was also smart and skilled enough to understand and see what was causing the problems. So, luck has a lot to do with finding an effective therapist too.

As far as research itself. There's always the Internet. If you are near a library or university, you can try to access databases that contain psychology abstracts. The people doing the writing about your issues might be helpful to you. There are books. People who write books, journal articles, and magazine articles often train people who are very good at what they do. It takes some work, time, persistence, creativity, and nerve. But, it's possible to find a good helper, particularly if you live in a major city.

I guess, one piece of advice aside from all of this that I found helpful. Let go of all of the stuff that you have been told about yourself in therapy up until this point. It might not be the real you. Be the person you used to be be before all the therapy you have already tried. You sound like a very soulful and feeling person. Start fresh.

You said that you liked the woman who was able to understand and connect to you, but she didn't know how to help you change. I guess this will be your task? Finding someone with these personal qualities, but also you would like to find someone who could help you learn to feel what you feel. You might want to start by research schema therapy or ego states. I think that you have gotten some sensational advice from the other people who posted.

Good luck. I hope you return in a few months with good results.

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