Shame--Intimacy--Attack Other

• Shame and offender therapy by Rich Kuyper, 1/3/97
  
  

Rich,

Thanks for your interest triggering posts. (I look forward to our e-mail connection.)

May I suggest one additional thing for your white board. The scripts on the compass of shame are only activated after shame is triggered. What Don has suggested to help people understand that their anger is triggered in the attack other mode to defend against shame, can be taken one more step.

The next question to be understood is "What is the interest or the enjoyment that is being impeded" such that shame is triggered. Tomkins has made it clear that the presence of shame in interpersonal situations means that the good scene is nearby. In other words, if one were not interested in one's partner or intimacy with one's partner, then no shame would be triggered because there is no interest to impede.

Although the shame scripts carried by someone may have very complex origins, the moment of shame does mean an impediment to something that is positive has taken place. I have been able to turn around violent or potentially violent interactions in couples by helping them understand that shame is triggered by impediment to that which is positive. This allows them to expose the positive side of their interest in and enjoyment of one another and helps them identify impediments in their relationship. Drinking, for instance, is an impediment because when one partner is drunk, intimacy is blocked by the altered state of consciousness. Shame in this situation is usually experienced more acutely by the sober partner. In this situation shame is experienced as isolation, distance, and rejection by the other. The sober partner will then act in accordance with his or her scripts to defend against shame by withdrawing or attacking the other which can then act to trigger shame in the drunk partner who, being disinhibited, might go so far with an attack other script as to hit.

The point in all this that my couples find useful is that the shame cannot be triggered unless there is a basic and real underlying interest-excitement in the intimate connection with the other.

• Whiteboard economics and therapist inadequacy by Rich Kuyper, 1/18/97
  • Initial difficulty of Tomkins's concept of Shame by Vick Kelly, 1/19/97
    • One piece at a time... by Rich Kuyper, 1/20/97
      • Perfect by Don Nathanson, 1/20/97
      • Yes, Yes, Yes, And... by Vick Kelly, 1/20/97
        • Thanks, and...Offender therapy cont... by Rich Kuyper, 1/22/97