One piece at a time...

• Shame and offender therapy by Rich Kuyper, 1/3/97
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    • Initial difficulty of Tomkins's concept of Shame by Vick Kelly, 1/19/97
      
      

Let’s see if I’ve got this. One of the complicating scenarios in intimate relationships occurs when, instead of using the signal (shame) which evolution has provided “so that we can remove the impediment and go back“ to enjoying our beloved, we employ one of the shame management strategies contained in the compass of shame...i.e. we ‘manage the shame' rather than remove (as evolution intended) the impediment. The passage of time and our repeated invocation of dysfunctional shame management strategies in response to further signals of impediment (experiences of shame) results in an accumulation both of shame and of unremoved impediments to enjoying our beloved. Quite likely our shame management strategies are, themselves, giving rise to, or laying the groundwork for, further impediments to enjoying our beloved, thus more experiences of shame. Trouble brewing.

One of the traditional concepts in the field of domestic violence is that of ‘the cycle of violence’. A ‘tension-building phase’ culminates in a violent incident which is followed by a conciliatory ‘hearts and flowers’ phase. If the core issues are not resolved, the good feelings fade away, a new tension building phase begins which again culminates in violence etc. etc. This, in my mind, is where shame theory and offender (or, for that matter, victim or couple) therapy intersect. Because shame IS the core issue. It is that we resort to withdrawal/attack-self/avoidance/attack-other strategies for MANAGING our shame rather than identifying, uncovering and RESOLVING our shame (i.e. removing the impediments to further enjoyment of our relationship), that keeps the cycle going.

How am I doing so far?

• Perfect by Don Nathanson, 1/20/97
• Yes, Yes, Yes, And... by Vick Kelly, 1/20/97
  • Thanks, and...Offender therapy cont... by Rich Kuyper, 1/22/97