Yes, Yes, Yes, And...

• Shame and offender therapy by Rich Kuyper, 1/3/97
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    • One piece at a time... by Rich Kuyper, 1/20/97
      
      

Don gave you too low a grade. How's an A+ for your academic transcript. You really have caught the essence of the central problem in all intimate relationships.

Let me add now my opinion that the vast majority of the "issues" that have been brought up in my office by couples over the past 20 years or so are actually disguised shame caught in some kind of self-perpetuating cycle. I have learned to completely side-step the alleged "issue" by asking the couple what they really want out of an intimate relationship. Those who say they want closeness and warmth and love and a companion are immediately willing to receive the instruction from me to stop fighting until I can teach them what they are really fighting about. From there it is pretty easy to teach them about the shame cycle. I have been amazed at how many "issues" are no longer a problem once the positive aspects of the intimate relationship are restored, which is great because I do not believe that the therapist can solve most if any of the "issues" a couple brings to therapy. In fact, we are doomed if we try because sooner or later our issue solving will force us to take sides with one of the parnters--a very untenable situation at best.

Once a couple knows about shame and the affect system, it is fairly easy to teach them scripts for handling negative affect in more intimacy enhancing ways.

• Thanks, and...Offender therapy cont... by Rich Kuyper, 1/22/97