The affects help us know reality

• Inevitability of shame by Roy Clymer, 12/23/98
  • PHYSIOLOGY IS INEVITABLE by B. LYNCH, 12/23/98
    • Inevitability of shame by Roy Clymer, 12/29/98
      
      

Look at it this way: As I've mentioned a few times on this Forum, nowadays I tend to think of the nine innate affects as a bank of spotlights, each of a different color, each triggered by a different mechanism, and each motivating cognitive process in a different way. We can't pay attention to anything unless an affect opens the gate to that highest level of neocortical activity which we call consciousness. I characterize the spotlight for shame as a "darkness beam," one that at least for a moment makes it difficult to focus our attention on whatever has impeded the previously active positive affect. Sure, I use such a strange image because my early life was steeped in science fiction, but hey, whatever works, eh?

So the darkness beam of shame affect points our attention to a situation in which positive affect had been interrupted even though there was plenty of reason for it to continue. What kid wouldn't want to be part of a scene in which a student athlete could do something as charismatic as a final second great shot? And what kid could really guess that the school uses its highly successful athletic program to build attention to itself in just that way? Finally, there is absolutely no possibility that any high school kid could know that only a tiny fraction of those so attracted to Duke can gain admission.

Has any of us ever encountered so perfect a setup for a normal shame response? The overwhelming majority of those who are so attracted to Duke will learn all too quickly that they don't measure up to its standards, despite how attractive they find the school. In marketing terms, this is a loss leader, a tease, a gimmick that gets a huge number of customers into the store so the maximum amount of money may be siphoned from their tanks. The school will accomplish its goal of filling its ranks with scholar-athletes and scholars and athletes. The school's athletic programs will continue to achieve maximal support from the entertainment industry and its advertisers. The overwhelming mass of those who watch college games on weekend television will know nothing about this internal game played by this University and many others that have learned to play it.

What, then, does your son learn? Firstly, of course, that (as Tomkins said) shame will always be triggered whenever desire outruns fulfilment. Secondly, that each of us is measured on scales and against yardsticks about which we had previously known nothing. Thirdly, that the world is rank ordered to a far greater extent than we might have guessed.

If your son learns from this experience of application to Duke University that he is defective, deficient, or damaged, than something has gone wrong. If he learns that he is a fine young man who will end up at an excellent school that fits him well, and that even though he isn't what or who Duke seeks, he is smart, competent, and whole, then he has risen in the world as the result of his apparent failure in this situation. Most of all, though, I suspect he is confirming something he has known all his life---that he has a really great dad who stands behind him with all his power and will support him out of love and good sense and a real involvement in his best possible future.

Okay. What I wrote just above is an example of the healthiest way shame affect can be used: it can point us toward a better understanding of ourselves. Nevertheless, to the extent any of us is unable to live at that level of open, honest, forthright, simple truth, we tend to defend against the implications of what shame affect has shown us. These defenses I have characterized as the Compass of Shame, which all of us now know as Withdrawal, Attack Self, Avoidance, and Attack Other. A different world, this Compass of Shame, quite different from the open attention to the data made possible by the affect auxiliary of shame.

Isn't it fascinating how much we can learn from observation of a high school student's attempt to find the college that fits him? Thanks so much for allowing us to join your family on this part of the adventure.

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