I'm so happy that you've begun to find some peace. When madness seems to have no discernible cause, we squirm in shame at the idea that it is somehow our fault. I've asked the psychopharmacology editor of the Bulletin of the Tomkins Institute to check carefully on the affective experience of people recovering from the various Bipolar illnesses on Depakote. Would it be an imposition to ask you to tell your colleagues here on BOL what your emotionality was like before you took proper medication, and what happened as it started to take hold? Please do not feel obligated to do this if it in any way feels like an imposition. Feel free to contact me otherwise at nathanson@tomkins.org if you'd prefer to comment offline.