EMDR FORUM ARCHIVE, 2000
Re:Is EMDR Appropriate for me?
Sherwood · 10/21/00 at 2:53 PM ET
Dear Sandra Paulsen: I've noticed in reviewing this site,that you are VERY kind with your participation. I realize, that no one without seeing a patient can say for sure that a particular method of treatment is or is not for them. Nonetheless, I find myself in a position of having to make a decision, and have always in the past relied upon research and information to make my decision. So, when my therapist recommended EMDR as a means of treatment, I began searching and stumbled upon this site. It is my hope, that I can perhaps get some general information on EMDR, and perhaps so guidence of sorts in my quest to make a decision. Though I am sure you have read numerous accounts of peoples life histories, I do feel compelled to give you at least a small glimpse into mine so that you have an idea of where I am coming from. Childhood...terrible. Had a very emotionally, verbally and abusive father, but then I thought that was the norm. My mother at first was as protective as she could be, but over the years became abusive and withdrawn herself. Sexually abused by a male for the first time (that I can recall) by a stranger at the age of six. Sexually molested by older brother from the age of six until I left home. (Found out in later years that he also molested my three younger sibblings, and carry much guilt for this.) Not sure of the details, but was in the hospital at two years of age in a coma for six weeks. Doctors had informed parents that if I lived (ran a temp between 104-106 the entire time) that I would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. Woke up one day informing everyone I was hungry. To this day, really do not know all the details of this. Flunked out of first grade. Over summer was tested (battery of tests including IQ) and parents were informed I was very bright, and I was placed in second grade on probationary basis. Seems from this point on, all I ever heard as a child, was that I was not living up to my potential. In second grade, had a series of seizures...diagnosed as granma epileptic, and placed on dilatin and phenabarbtal(sp?) for several years until in seventh grade I refused to take the medications any longer. Even as a small child, it seems I spent my entire youth playing shuttle diplomacy between my parents. I could go on, but think you get the general gist of it. I left home as soon as I was able, and did whatever (including using my body) was needed to merely survive in life. Adulthood... At 44, feel as if I do not know me. Instead, it seems as if there are many of me. I tell people of my life, and they are amazed at it, and yet to me, I always feel inadequate. Was married for 15 years, divorced in 1997. In the entire marriage, never met wifes mother. After divorce, her mother became ill, and I helped care for her for three years in my home. (ex was not in a position to, so I had the two of them come to live with me.) My ex told her mother I was Derrick the handyman (said her mother would not have moved in if she knew it was me), and so I lived a lie for three years. Her mother died on my birthday in 97 while I was out of town on business. I returned home to find my exwife had stolen literally everything I owned. Diagnosed at this time as being bipolar, ADD. ( I need to have lots of thing going on at once, or get VERY bored, but at the same time can get totally obsessed with things. In fact, along the way was also diagnosed as being obsessive compusive as well. Current meds are Depakote (750 a day) and Remeron as needed for the obsessive/compusive, and to sleep. I met a wonderful person in March, and we were married in September of this year. Through her therapist, I met the one I am seeing now,who has said I am suffering through post tramatic stress disorder, and recommended EMDR therapy. So,that brings us up to today in a very short readers digest way. Now, I am wanting first to find out just what EMDR is, and how it works. Secondly, from what I have gathered so far, a major part of it is reawakening the past and that scares me...I have very crisp memories of certain precise events, but most of my childhood does not even exist in my memory. This from a person who has an incredible eye and mind for detail and can recall from his text books exact phrasing in classes. Secondly, it seems that the process is hell, and I'm wanting that defined a bit more...IE...just how much of a support system for instance should one have in place? Is it possible to dredge up all of this old stuff and end up being worse off than I am now. I know, a thousand and one questions, but then this is going to be a momentous decision in my life. Hopefully, I have not taken up to much of your time, and have at least given you enough data to send me in a good direction as I research this recommended therapy option. Respectfully Sherwood
Perhaps the perfect example of this is college. I for most of my adult life avoided college for fear that I would be found inadequate...not good enough. I got my first degree almost a year ago. Graduated with high honors with a 3.984 GPA, and yet still feel as if I do not belong, as if in some way people will find out my past and hate me.
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