What Can Women Do about Men's Needing to Adapt to (Shaming) Systems?

• Responses to First Learning about Affect Theory by Jim Duffy a.k.a. J.C.D., 2/28/97
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    • Men and shame by Margaret Blakely, 3/28/97
      
      

Margaret, thanks for your words about your two sons. How painful it must be as a woman to raise sons who have to survive in the male culture! How can you feel anything but having made mistakes!? It's a systems setup, including to have to feel self-blame for following systems rules! Circumcision is just the beginning of installing the "I can't feel anything" script that most men must adopt to adapt to and survive the system.

To deal with this dilemma, I have instructed my women clients, who have young boys, the hard reality that they have to do "both and"...that is, teach the boys when and how to be unfeeling and hard (to survive in the male culture and work-world), and when to be soft (in relationship)...as transition behaviors until the culture can be changed, and men can be universally caring with each other (will that happen before the world ends??)

I have an audio tape called "The Swimming Lesson" in which a Harvard graduate, a grey-haired Mr. Switzer, teaches (shames) three and half year olds to swim. I give this tape to clients. Universally the boys are more afraid to dive off the board than the girls...and they receive the major part of the abuse for their fear (being "more afraid than the girls"). The mothers of the boys join in the shaming by Mr. Switzer. This demonstrates just one source of men's misogyny. I can easily get in touch with my own early revenge dream: I, at about five years old, am in a sandbox hitting a blonde six year old girl on the head with my toy truck...while feeling (attack other) that I am releasing shame and getting even with her for having it so good (and even more, her feeling entitled to have it good).

Thanks again, Margaret, for telling your experience...Chauncey

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