Shame: A Family of Emotions

• Introducing Shame Language to Clients by Brett Schur - Havertown, PA - bschur@msn.com, 3/12/96
  • idiosyncratic affect labels by Don Nathanson, 3/13/96
    
    

I too once had the same difficulty Brett describes when I introduced shame concepts during psychotherapy sessions, i.e., people were "resistant" to the use of the word "shame". Those of us in the affect/script theory-based psychotherapeutic community take pride in the fact that we now see and treat "resistance" for what it really is--shame. Nathanson (Shame and Pride, 1992) and others teach that one of the characteristics of shame affect is that people are ashamed of being ashamed. All of us try to hide our blush so that others will not see that we are embarrassed. Using this notion, I now make the assumption that I can easily trigger shame and, therefore, "resistance" in the very people I am trying to educate about it. I too searched for a way to undo the resistance. "Herman" was called "Gilbert" in my office for awhile until I learned to present shame as a "family of emotions"--a term coined by Wurmser (The Mask of Shame, 1981) if I remember correctly. (Don--please give the correct reference if I am wrong.)

I use such terms as feeling rejected, lonely, and isolated with those whom I sense are embarrassed about the word shame. These words are much more understandable to most people. I simply add that they are part of the shame family of emotions and table further discussion of shame itself until I sense that the person is more receptive and will not experience too much shame when we discuss shame.

Since I often work with couples who are experiencing feelings of rejection, loneliness, and isolation within the troubled relationship, it makes more sense to use these words initially. Later on, it becomes useful to teach them that shame is triggered by any impediment to their interest in being intimately connected with the inmost selves of one another. People then rapidly accept the concept of biologically triggered shame as the basis of their feelings of rejection, loneliness, and isolation. And they can then learn to pay attention to the shame experience in order to recognize when impediments have been inserted into their attempts to be intimate.

• Nakedness and Shame by Jan Braswell, 1/15/97
  • exposure by Don Nathanson, 1/15/97
    • Thanks so much by Jan Braswell, 1/16/97
    • SITUATIONAL SHAME by Phil Feldman, PhD, 3/3/98
      • clear situations generate heathly shame by Cameron fritsch ,student, 8/25/98