Earn respect by giving it.

• How would you handle this situation? by Don Nathanson, 11/29/98
  • (No title) by Rich Kuyper, 11/30/98
    • What would Kubiak do first? by Don Nathanson, 12/2/98
      
      

I see, Don, that you are not going to let me get away with a superficial response to your challenge. Having gotten myself into this, I suppose I am obliged to see it through or risk experiencing my own shame affect for reducing your legitimate teaching question to a triviality.

First, I am a sports fan, but not a sports psychologist, (except of the Monday morning type). As a domestic violence offender therapist, however, I do have some experience working with groups of “struggling and demoralized men” under circumstances which a ‘modest’ exercise of imagination may permit us to compare to the scenario scripted by you-- in which I am hired as the struggling Eagles’ team, uh, clinical social worker (an unwieldy title but true to my actual profession).

In my experience, no good will come of further shaming men already immersed in shame-humiliation. Thus, I might advise Kubiak that one of his first tasks will be to establish an atmosphere of mutual respect between coach and players (therapist and DV offenders) which must begin with his own consistently demonstrated genuine respect for the core value of each player (offender) independent of the individual’s unsatisfactory performance/behavior. Failing that, no working alliance can be formed that will not be vulnerable to disruption at the first attempt by an injudicious coach (therapist) to call forth improved play/behavior. At the same time clear boundaries and expectations must be communicated in an unequivocal, yet non-shaming, manner since it is only by actually promoting improved performance or behavior in one’s players/clients that the objectives will be met.

Donald Dutton, in his recent book, The Abusive Personality, suggests that a history of being chronically shamed by one’s parent, particularly one’s father, may be the single most reliable predictor of adult abusiveness in men. In my own observation, such a history renders these men particularly shame-sensitive yet their internalized scripts often preclude a direct attack-other shame defense against perceived ever-dangerous authority figures. Consequently the ‘rage of shame’ often gets expressed and/or displaced onto less intimidating targets, such as wives, girlfriends or children. This may be a clue to the perennial news items informing us of the latest professional athlete to be arrested for domestic violence. Inapt shaming by frustrated and impolitic coaches may actually make an unfortunate contribution to the abuse of players’ wives and children. Alternatively, to return to the Eagles’ scenario, it may result in the conscious or unconscious passive-aggressive attack-other shame defense of simply underperforming for a despised, or at least resented, coach.

Surely, I have by now violated all standards of brevity on a forum such as this and will pause, mercifully, in spite of my admittedly tenuous and incomplete response to Don’s query.

No Replies