Reponse to Violent Couples

• Lost my post. Advice please. by Rich Kuyper, 12/26/96
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    • Violent couples by Don Nathanson, 12/29/96
      
      

What do you say to an offender who says “she was asking for it”?

This is perhaps the most common claim made by offenders and the one that comes closest to what may legitimately be called “victim blaming”. Often I will ask the offender, respectfully but quite directly, if he considers the victim responsible for the fact that he was arrested, jailed and eventually court-ordered to my group. At this point the offender may retreat from such a blanket claim and modify it (“Well, no, I did hit her...but she pushed my buttons”). Or he may “stick to his guns” on the issue. Either way the answer tells me something about the client’s level of denial (and possibly something about the degree of his shame). If the client continues to blame the victim I may willingly concede that his partner is indeed responsible for insulting him but that is not why he was arrested. He was arrested for his RESPONSE, for which he is RESPONSIBLE.

In an offender’s group format it is important not to get diverted onto the problems or pathology of the victim since she is not present to participate. There are occasions when one might wish she WERE present, when it seems the family or couple could be better served by conjoint therapy, but, as I have said, that is currently not an option.

How do you handle a victim who says “No matter what I do he comes after me and hits me”?

I do not, as a rule, directly contact the victims of the offenders in my groups. That contact is made by a female counselor with whom I work closely. However, I have worked with victims in both psychiatric inpatient settings and in my private practice and have certainly been exposed to the statement above, or some variation of it. The short answer is that I would urge her to call the police as domestic violence is now, virtually everywhere, a criminal offence. I suspect, though, you may be asking how I would do therapy with a such a victim--a simple question for which there is no short answer. I will say, at the risk of stirring a hornets nest, that I have found a non-shaming, accountability oriented approach to be useful with BOTH victims and offenders. As you have noted, where shame is involved, the line between the two is sometimes blurred.

Are there groups for victims in the system you serve?

Yes. They are offered by a different agency, however, and unlike offender groups, are not mandatory (that would be blaming the victim...), and, consequently, relative to offender groups, are quite poorly attended. By that I mean to say that only a small minority of the victim/partners of the men in my groups are also in groups, and those, generally for a much shorter period of time.

Is there any attention to the feelings, the inner experience of either victim or offender?

I cannot speak for victims’ groups as I have not done them. In another forum on the ‘Net I have been rather criticized for running a “head shop” because I consider offender treatment groups to be therapy groups at all! One of the better known manuals in the field is “Education Groups for Men Who Batter” (Pence and Paymer, 1993) which reflects the authors’ beliefs (and that of many others who strongly influence policy) that “most group members are not participating because of personal or family dysfunction but rather because violence is a socialized option for men” (p.23). Got it? These men don’t need therapy--they merely need to be ‘re-educated’. One doesn’t discuss feelings and inner experience in one’s political science class.

More later, perhaps. Happy New Year!!!

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