Violent couples

• Lost my post. Advice please. by Rich Kuyper, 12/26/96
  • Safe posting by Don Nathanson, 12/26/96
    • More shame and domestic violence by Rich Kuyper, 12/28/96
      
      

Help us here. What do you say to an offender who says "she was asking for it"? How do you handle victims who say that "No matter what I do he comes after me and hits me?

Are there groups for victims in the system you serve? Is there any attention to the feelings, the inner experience of either victim or offender? Is there any way that victim and offender can be brought together to they can say what they experience? I am astonished (shouldn't be, I know) that professionals don't understand that when shame is identified properly (part of 4 scripts, only one of which involves violence or retribution) most people literally grin and thank us for explaining what had made them helplessly angry. This job really isn't as difficult as uninformed people make it. Once again, I maintain that only societal ignorance of shame psychology is responsible for the "difficulty" in treating these situations. Therapists, too, come from the same culture as their clients, and they know far less about shame than they might.

But I wander from the issue as I mount the soapbox. How do you handle the propensity to violence in the clients you serve?

• Reponse to Violent Couples by Rich Kuyper, 1/1/97