Rich, Passing Along a Book Reference I Discovered

• Both sympathy and empathy are scripts by Don Nathanson, 3/23/97
  • Crime and Nourishment by Rich Kuyper, 3/27/97
    
    

Rich, in your search for "an expert" [isn't that "someone with a briefcase who comes from more than 50 miles away"? (a la Mark Twain?)] on the use of nonshaming types of treatment methods for abusive forms of relatedness, you may be interested in someone whose work I just discovered. [By the way, that's a nice touch...your use of "s/em"--Holy Neologistic Abbreviations, Batman!--to borrow with liberal modification a witty Don Nathanson expression.] Steven Stosny, a social worker who treats "perpetrators and victims" of various forms of abusive relatedness (which Stosny calls attachment abuse)is the author I just discovered. Stosny has created what he calls a Compassion Workshop as the central part of his treament. His book, "Treating Attachment Abuse: A Compassionate Approach" (NY: Springer Pub. Co., 1995) presents his s/me rationale and then the entire workshop plan with exercises. The approach is in general compatible with the outlook you prsent. Stosny frequently refers to shame as a central part of attachment abuse but also adds considerable weight to a human need for attachment with its attentant requirement for the nourishment of compassionate rather than attack-other behaviors in managing the negative affect arising in intimate relatedness. He cites Nathanson and Tomkins, but doesn't seem to use their ideas as fundamental, unlike the approach taken on this forum. Stosny believes that compassion, which is conceptually quite close to s/me, is the basic attachment emotion. Here is a cleverly worded statement that captures his theoritical thinking as briefly as I can capture it in a short posting: "Attachment abusers are those who fall prey to the illusion that they can blame attachment figures for the intolerable shame of feeling unlovable or inadequate as loving agents, that is, they blame the mirror for the reflection." Whether or not I agree with all aspects of one's theory or approach to practicing it, I try to find what is valuable in any author aspiring to nonshaming, compassionate, nonaccusatory approaches to understanding the human condition. Thus, I found much that is illuminating in Stosny's work; and, leaving aside my interminable theoretical quibbles, I found nothing significantly objectionable at a practical level and much to admire.

• Jim, Thanks for Reference! by Rich Kuyper, 4/7/97