More Relational Theory

• Relational theory - complementary? by Suzanne Moran-Johnson, 7/2/96
  • Relational Theory---more please. by Don Nathanson, 7/2/96
    
    

Thanks for the reply. I reread the chapter in Shame and Pride and would like to respond to the chapter to further introduce relational theory - as I am learning to understand it. I hope that I will represent it well - I am also filtering it through me experience and I hope this message will stimulate discourse. First relational theory focuses on the differences in women's development of a sense of self based on their initial and ongoing relationships as infants with the mother. Because girls emulate their mothers and their mothers are their continuous role models there is no need for seperation (tradition developmental theory). Girls experience primary care of their mothers and also experience their mothers care of others - mothers are "taking care of". Thus women grow up remaining in connection with others. In this way they develop a sense of self based on the relationship they have with others - a relational being. In fact, for women their value in the world is experienced as their participation in growth fostering relationships. As in S&P the qualities of "alertness" or "aliveness" seem to be due to interest and excitement which is generated by a sense of connection and enhanced by the experience of deepening the relationship. Not an experience of seperation but an experience of differentiation. Effective and growth enhancing resonance is identified as mutual empathy, which is the experience of empathy as described in S&P, p. 110, 1st paragraph. Agreeably "affective resonance is, not always so pleasant an occurence" yet the experience of women is that the value of connection is so powerful that they will find ways to remain in connection with another despite the pain of the connection. This is the "relational paradox" - the striving for connection so powerful that the uncomfortable experience of affect forces the disconnection of parts of the self in order to remain connected in the relationship. What has interferred both with the understanding of women's sense of self and women's mental health is so clearly stated (to me) in S&P: "Men, especially, will recognize this as the system most of us use to avoid being taken over prematurely by the sexual excitement of our partners (women) during intercourse." - Men's sense of power being that of power over (themselves, women) and their fear, shame at the loss of this power. Where women experience power in connection in growth enhancing relationships (like the mother-infant); men experience powerful cultural norms to seperate from the mother, thus from connection and into power over (emotion, their experience, others). Working from a relational model I find disagreement with the statement "adults who do not learn how to shield themselves form the emotional life of others suffer greatly because they fail to develop a secure identity" instead what I hear from women is that it is not the lack of shielding from the other but the lack of affective resonance in the relationship which leads to an insecure sense of self - to feeling confused about one's internal experience of affect into feeling disconnection from others, and the experience of shame. Feeling bad about oneself - which as we knows builds upon itself to the point of rigidity, isolation, and hopelessness - where self doubt reigns. I truly agree that as in S&P "consciousness itself is a function of affect" and as affect is denied, consciousness is denied; knowing is denied; connection is denied; and self is denied. A final concept is that of "authenticity" - authenticity is essential to a grow fostering relationship and again it is not disconnection which reveals authenticity but the experience of mutual empathy.

Don and others: I will greatly appreciate any response to this message, I am honored to have found such a forum to participate in, and I am eager to really understand both affect theory and relational theory. For specific information on relational theory, the book: Women's Growth in Connection: Writing from the Stone Center is available thru Guilford Press and works in progress are available from the Stone Center (as they were initially unable to get published in journals, though happily this is changing).

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