Thanks for your answer!

• When shame is the rule... by Lia Ades, 2/6/99
  • An idea at your request by Jonathan Grindlinger, M.D., 2/7/99
    
    

Thanks for the example you gave me, is really interesting, and it made me thought.

I agree that shame is the most unrecognized and most misunderstood affect of all, as you said. And more: we learn everyday pathological responses to shame. There are various and important consequences of this fact, either for the individual or for the society. I think the exagerated and inconceivable tolerance people here in Brazil (and in other parts of the world, too) has with opression, corruption and injustice has to do with this lack of comprehension and with a poor management of shame. It turns to a social problem! It seems people are limitated in their cognitive and emotional possibilities to manage situations where shame is involved. It is as if people "got used to" humiliation (!) - shamming is commom in relationships where some kind of institutional power is involved - because we don't see them react. Not only the "victim", but also the one that humiliates has this lack of understanding: his behavior is also an expression described at the Compass of Shame. As you pointed out, pathological management of shame is emphasized in our media through the glorification of machismo scripts. And also a million of ideals (body, money,health...), all linked with success and happiness, are sold as true and easy getting, but impossible to achieve to the majority of people. This creates people frustrated, shamed, humiliated, with wrong objectifs in life; people who are intolerant with any matter that involves the own image, and any possibility to be seen as weak, dependent. People intolerant with feeling shame react with anger and violence, or even depression. It lacks consciousness and social and culture reinforcement of healthy behavior. My research is also a good example: individual was asked to say what would be the right thing to do if his boss were humiliating him in front of his work coleagues. He had a family that depended on him to survive. Must he leave the job or must he stay? What would be the right thing to do? I wanted to check the feelings, judgements and actions involved (of course, as they appeared in their discurses). Part of them had the situation clear, so they could judge and think of what to do, organizing their action. The boss was wrong, because "is wrong to humiliate whatever the circunstance is". Others, intead, were confused about the situation, about their feelings, they coudn't even think of what was the best to do. They were worried about the damage the situation would cause to them, fisically and mentally speaking. They said they won't be able to have self confidence anymore, they could broke up with the family, get ill, be inferiorized in other situations...and they aren't even sure if the atitude of their boss was wrong..."he had the right to humiliate me if I was not working as I should be...".

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