Re:Controling behavior and marital conflict

Jen, I have a few suggestions.

One, when your husband does not want to talk about his role, try bringing him back to the subject and the focus of your discussion. Try not to come across as demanding or blaming. That is just another attempt at controlling. Think about when and where you bring up this topic. Is it when you want to control the time and the place, regardless if this is not the time for him.

Tw, when you decided to try and stop controlling the things you mentioned, did you tell him what was going on? Or, did you just stop doing them? Also, I don't think this is what you two are discussing. Just stopping doing activities that you have throughout the marriage without discussing them is certainly another way of control. (You pick what you are going to do but do you decide who will?)

3, Is he right that when you went to marriage counseling, did it turn out to be a session directed to showing him what he does wrong? Were there options discussed? Did you work on ways to compromise? If he really felt he came out of there feeling that it was a session to discount him, I don't blame him for not wanting to return!

A suggestion that I use in marriage counseling is my male colleague sees the husband individually and I see the wife for however we deem necessary and then the four of us have joint sessions. This has helped numerous times as no one feel like he is being "thrown in the lion's den."

4, Quite obviously this is certainly not all your fault. You certainly do not need to accept the blame for his behavior and/or his part in all of this. It seems to me that he can bring this one up and replay it whenever he feels necessary. He then can feel justified to say and do what he wants because the bottom line is "you have a controlling personality!" Keeps all the blame on you and the two of you never move foreward. Please do not let him do this to you as it solves nothing!

I hope some of this helps as I can feel you are hurting and confused. So you tend to try to control things, I wonder what he would do if you were no longer there to do it?

Please I not "manbashing" but Ido believe that most men do not know 90% of what we do because we always do it!!

Good Luck. This is A tough situation but it surely seems workable. There is a pamphlet put by AA called "Letting go of the need to control." It is easy to read and quite good.

Please keep in touch!

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