Rearing Your Stubborn Children

Earlier versions have been posted on Behavior OnLine and are currently at www.clinical-sociobiology.com.

"Don't give me mole hills and I won't give you mountains."  Mother to a defiant teen.

Liveliness is a significant asset provided that it is focused correctly.   (Liveliness that is badly aimed by its owner is seen in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, discussed elsewhere on this site.)  Liveliness usually reflects health and is often associated with a faster flow of words and thoughts, slightly higher I. Q. than average, superior ability to keep track of social relationships, and unusually persistent attempts by the child to increase his or her own resources even if neglecting or cheating someone else.   High activity can also be linked to a lessened need for sleep and to an earlier interest in having partners of the opposite sex.  Lively, determined children who are managed well often become leaders such as construction superintendents, contractors, independent business people, military commanders, clergy, and politicians.

Managing determination and high activity level well often requires that two elements be present -- a caring "anchor" and clear boundaries.

The "anchor": Determined people, whether husbands or small children, are often most bold and can be most self centered when they are sure of the location and interest of a rescuer such as a parent (usually mom) or wife.  An anchor is "always on my side" even if the anchor gives discipline mixed with their acceptance.  As one teen commented, "I make lots of mistakes and I need my work checked but only by someone who is on my side."

An anchor who is not interested or available will be replaced but until replaced, produces anxiety, panic, and even sleep disturbances in their partner. "Where WERE you?" -- heard from aggressive husbands as well as upset 5 year olds. Controlling husbands sometimes lose 20 pounds and develop a tremor when the wife evicts them.  Young, domineering children may have problems sleeping alone and show an array of fears when mom is not within reach.

Consistency is the second vital element.  An anchor who does not apply a balanced set of consequences, who manages the relationship exclusively on the basis of "be nice" will be hurt often.  Domineering people need to know the boundaries -- they may not use your property or take your money without your consent, they may not lie about homework completion or their social plans.   They may not kick or ridicule their anchor; clear, relevant consequences efficiently tell the child (or mate) that reciprocity will be enforced even from the very young.  Such children (or adults) will sometimes be very unfair to their partners but use the word "unfair" themselves to avoid consequences.

The following remarks are guidelines only; individual responses to any of them can vary sharply depending on your child's characteristics and on yours as a parent. Get professional coaching from psychologists or pediatricians for difficulties with your own child because there is an array of social or medical difficulties might increase the chances for your child to balk when given directions or to be rude and mean.   An independent coach can also help you break many destructive routines that you have done for years.

Start early; research suggests that better outcomes result if parental consistency is established before age 10.  We probably evolved under conditions that required a 12-14 year old child to function independently of parents and to do meaningful work in a larger group.  He or she probably had a definite slot and definite consequences for letting everyone down.  Our children still have their natural drive for independence (to go "hang with" friends") but we often deny them responsible tasks and protect them from their errors far longer than in our old days.  Make sure they understand -- through your consistency -- that parents and other adults will be a part of their personal world through their entire life.

1) Find a place ... Scientists have commented that evolution involves a creature's finding a place to be itself, where it can eat, be warm, rear a family, and fill time meaningfully.  You can substitute "mental health" or "happiness" for the term "evolution." Applying this principle means having a grasp of your child's strengths and then getting him, by whatever means that are effective and honest, into situations that allow him to exercise his talents. Many parents instinctively apply this rule when they lobby coaches, music teachers, and drama coaches to give their child a chance.  Children will use this principle to steer themselves and wise adults will ensure that issues of health, safety, morals, and wise use of resources are respected at the same time.  Happiness is an important outcome from mixing some talent, opportunity, and a high degree of persistence.

2) Parent training in consistency: Parent training is effective for managing impulsive children and parental inconsistency is a key reason for oppositional behavior (extreme arguing, swearing, aggressive conduct, and announcements that "You can't tell me what to do.")  "Making mom change her mind" is an especially powerful incentive for a highly persistent child.   Likewise, parents avoid giving directions to a persistent, argumentative child with his own agenda.  Instead of arguing or lecturing, have a short list of absolute expectations that the child will meet in order to do the things he wants to do.

3) Have a plan: Barkley (1996) has emphasized the need for parents of ADHD children to anticipate their child's future conduct in malls, long trips, and school and to avoid being trapped in situations that have gone badly in the recent past. A persistent child is apt to be very consistent about his demands and to give parents trouble in order that his demands be met. Parents cannot depend on the child's being distracted and "forgetting" by luck or accident. Have some escapes established, have some consequences (rewards such as getting to pick stores and destinations, or time outs by the plants, terminating the trip, losing participation in the next trip) that can be used immediately.  Failure to have an effective plan means that parents will be acting impulsively in response to the child's plans.

4) "Act, don't yack." (Barkley, 1996) While ADHD children may have difficulties with word retrieval, the determined child may not. The debating will be clever, sustained, fast, and relentless. So long as you are debating, the child acts as if he has a chance of winning (and "winning" is more important than anything else); so long as you are debating the child can delay a chore or strike a deal for one of his demands. Do NOT depend on "reasoning" -- reasoning and lectures often delay task initiation and also gives your child the illusion that she can change your mind if she can debate well enough.  (The initial 20 minutes of Phelan's tape, "1,2,3 Magic" gives a splendid introduction for parents. The tape runs about 2 hours and is available for about $40 from 1-800-ADD-WARE.)
5) Immediacy: Behavior responds best to rapid outcomes. You have about 1/2 second to show surprise, make eye contact,  or smile when your child is considerate, lets you go first, or changes an opinion. You have the same 1/2 second delay in which to start a 3-count if she is rude or defiant.  Rapid outcomes can motivate impulsiveness in the first place; make them work in your favor.
6) Put them in charge of something they can manage that also fits with their areas of special ability. Robert Brooks (books also available from 1-800-ADD-WARE) emphasizes finding skills the child does better than anyone else and getting them jobs that use those skills, a perfect showcase for a domineering child.  Some children may be less defiant if they are "in charge of" the school pets.  One child became her school's "shot expert" since she did that better than anything else.  She gave talks on taking shots, individual advice to children due for shots, and even wrote a chapter on shots that was bound and kept in the school library.

7) Let them hit therapeutic walls ... "see, the bricks are still hard" ... they will certainly need to do it more than once. Let the younger child experience the consequences of wearing a shirt that violates the teacher's rules. Don't rescue them if grounded at school for arguing. Don't pay the attorney for an older child when he gets a speeding ticket. Applying various legal entitlements may sometimes work against the child's long-term social growth. Involving police officials for a small infraction may save your needing them for larger issues further down the road.

8) Find some outrageous goal for him; one that will be unique, positive, achievable and will get everyone else talking. Many children now settle for a strange hair color, a modified car, or a ring that hangs from a creative body part. Inventory not only your child's talents but also consider special skills and achievements of several generations of blood relatives in order to find unsuspected gifts.

9) Use  obsessions (exaggerated, unrealistic commitments and interests) as motivation for other tasks that aren't inspiring. For example, some children will probably work harder on their math if it means more contact with a favorite peer or date. Others are totally devoted to their go cart, trail bike, or football.  Substitute obsessions before one of them becomes unreachable and elicits a depressive interval. The person who has a balance of interests is less likely to become seriously depressed if one of their goals becomes out of reach. Expect obsessions to change as time passes. The child who has to have a particular stuffed animal with him at all times may graduate to jumping trail bikes, to dating a particular girl, or to high performance cars if she or he also has the support of their anchor.

10) Monitor, monitor, monitor even though they hate it.   Stubborn, lively children give their personal goals a higher priority than mom's rules. Some children will be rigid in their truthfulness; many, however, will lie if it gets them more freedom to pursue an obsession. Calling their destination to confirm plans and arrivals, making personal visits to their destination, and insisting on calls home before plans are changed will make them angry at first but compliance will eventually follow.  If your child is driven for privacy; have him earn it in small amounts and then increase the time and the range of his activity.   Meanwhile, "his" room is actually "your" room and you are letting him use it only on your terms.

11) Form alliances with other parents. Your children will cite "everyone else is allowed" in debates with you. Check periodically with other parents to learn the hierarchies that exist in the neighborhood and prevailing customs in regard to sharing rides, bedtimes. television, visiting, phones and the gamut of tools that children use to maintain their social structures. (Perhaps establish a local web page that lists your neighborhood rules and current social events!)

12) Sleep: Parents sometimes report that their children are more lively but irritable with less sleep.   The converse manipulation, that of getting too much sleep will sometimes make adults sad. These observations are not collected scientifically but they are consistent with preliminary research with adults at NIMH. There may be a middle range of optimal sleep for some children. Sometimes children compete with friends and siblings to stay up late on Friday or Saturday. It's unlikely they will recover the deficit in time for school on Monday.  Try to determine the ideal range of sleep for your offspring and perhaps have them earn an extra 30 minutes up at night if they were alert that same morning.

Reference:

Barkley R. (1996) Taking Charge of ADHD. NY: Guilford, about $17, strongly recommended.

Copyright, 1997, 1999, James Brody, Ph.D. jbrody@compuserve.com

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