Approaches for Unusually Determined Kids

• Manic Traits: An EP/SB Description by James Brody, 4/5/97
  
  

The following remarks are guidelines only; individual responses to any of them can vary sharply. Start early; research suggests that better outcomes result of consistency established before age 10.

1) Find a place ... Scientists have commented that evolution involves finding a place where a creature can be itself, where it can eat, be warm, rear a family, and use time meaningfully. Substitute "mental health" or "happiness" for the term "evolution." Applying this principle means having a grasp of your child's strengths and then getting him, by whatever means that are effective and honest, into situations that allow him to exercise his talents. Many parents instinctively apply this rule when they lobby coaches, music teachers, and drama coaches to give their child a chance. Happiness is one outcome for mixing some talent, opportunity, and a high degree of persistence.

2) Parent training in consistency: Parent training is effective with ADHD and parental inconsistency is seen as a key reason for oppositional behavior. Partial reinforcement effects for being able to "make mom change her mind" become especially powerful when dealing with a highly persistent child. Likewise, parents avoid giving directions to a persistent, argumentative child with his own agenda. Have a short list of absolute expectations that the child will meet in order to do the things he wants.

3) Have a plan: Barkley (1996) has emphasized the need for parents of ADHD children to anticipate their child's future conduct in malls, long trips, and school and to avoid being trapped in situations that have gone badly in the recent past. A manic child is apt to be very consistent about his demands and to give parents trouble in order that his demands be met. Parents cannot depend on the child's being distracted and "forgetting" by luck or accident. Have some escapes established, have some consequences (rewards such as getting to pick stores and destinations, or time outs by the plants, terminating the trip, losing participation in the next trip) that can be used immediately.

4) "Act, don't yack." (Barkley, 1996) While ADHD children may have difficulties with word retrieval, the manic child may not. The debating will be clever, sustained, fast, and relentless. So long as you are debating, the child acts as if he has a chance of winning (and "winning" is more important than anything else); so long as you are debating the child can delay a chore or strike a deal for one of his demands. (The initial 20 minutes of Phelan's tape, "1,2,3 Magic" gives a splendid introduction for parents. The 2 hours tape is available for about $40 from 1-800-ADD-WARE.)

5) Put them in charge of something they can manage that also fits with their areas of special ability. Robert Brooks (books also available from 1-800-ADD-WARE) emphasizes finding skills the child does better than anyone else and get them jobs doing those skills, a perfect showcase for a child with dominance tendencies. Some children may be less defiant if they are "in charge of" the school pets. One child became the school "shot expert" since she did that better than anything else. Other children getting shots were expected to consult with her, she gave talks on taking shots, and even wrote a chapter on shots that was bound and kept in the school library. Her dysphoria lifted.

6) Let them hit therapeutic walls ... "see, the bricks are still hard" ... they will certainly need to do it more than once. Let the younger child experience the consequences of wearing a shirt that violates the teacher's rules. Don't rescue them if grounded at school for arguing. Don't pay the attorney for an older child when he gets a speeding ticket. Applying ADA entitlements may sometimes work against the child's long-term social growth.

7) Find some outrageous goal for him; one that will be unique, positive, achievable and will get everyone else talking. Many children now settle for a strange hair color, a modified car, or a ring that hangs from a creative body part. Inventory not only your child's talents but also consider special skills and achievements of several generations of blood relatives in order to find unsuspected gifts.

8) Use his obsessions (exaggerated, unrealistic commitments and interests) as motivation for other tasks that don't inspire him. For example, some children will probably work harder on their math if it means more contact with a favorite peer or date. Others are totally devoted to their go cart, trail bike, or football.

9) Substitute obsessions before one of them becomes unreachable and elicits a depressive interval. The person who has a balance of interests is less likely to become seriously depressed if one of their goals becomes out of reach. Expect obsessions to change as time passes. The child who has to have a particular stuffed animal with him at all times may graduate to jumping trail bikes, to dating a particular girl, or to high performance cars.

10) Monitor, monitor, monitor even though they hate it. Manic children list their personal goal at a higher priority than parental rules. Some children will be highly rigid in their truthfulness; many, however, will lie if it gets them more freedom to pursue an obsession. Calling their destination to confirm plans and arrivals, making personal visits to their destination, and insisting on calls before plans are changed should make compliance more likely. If your child is driven for privacy; have him earn it in small amounts and then increase the time and the range of his activity.

11) Form alliances with other parents. Your children will cite "everyone else is allowed" in debates with you. Check periodically with other parents to learn the hierarchies that exist in the neighborhood and prevailing customs in regard to sharing rides, bedtimes. television, visiting, phones and the gamut of tools that children use to maintain their social structures. (Establish a local web page that lists your neighborhood rules!)

12) Sleep: Parents sometimes report that their children are more lively but irritable with less sleep; the converse manipulation, that of insisting the child get a minimum of 6-7 hours sometimes cuts into irritability and hyperactivity but can make them sad. These observations are not collected scientifically but they are consistent with preliminary research with adults at NIMH. There may be a middle range of optimal sleep for some children. Sometimes children compete with friends and siblings to stay up late on Friday or Saturday. It's unlikely they will recover the deficit in time for school on Monday.

Reference:

Barkley R. (1996) Taking charge of ADHD. NY: Guilford.

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