My Thoughts on Relationship Education

• Welcome to the BOL Forum on Evolutionary Psychology by John Grohol, 3/19/97
  • About Evolutionary Psychology by Behavior OnLine Editor, 12/28/96
    • Let's talk about relationships by James L. Bianchi, Esq., 1/5/99
      
      

Dear James,

I, too, have focused on relationships. Being totally out of my environment and realizing that my methods need some professional advice and softening, I sent the attached letter to a couple dozen high school counselors in my school district months ago hoping to get some support. I received nothing positive. I hadn't expected much since this was totally unsolicited from a non-professional and Plano is near Dallas in the depths of the Bible Belt.

I don't know if you'll ever get this in light of Brody's statement of another newsgroup supplanting this thread. I got a "forbidden" message when I tried to follow his link.

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Dear Counselors,

Following is an outline of exactly what I think would benefit young women to know; I think that it could prevent a lot of pain. I know that your time is valuable but I hope you can spend a minute reviewing the outline. I'm fully aware that a lot of work would be necessary to flesh out the outline, I just want to gauge interest at this point and see if other people would be willing to help out or suggest improvements.

Please note that a prerequisite to this presentation might involve the students interviewing family members or trusted friends to determine whether they have had any similar experiences.

Thank you, Tom Jurcak

Email: tjrzk@yahoo.com

[Woman #1 tells a story about a guy breaking up with her after having sex]

Each of you, every day, is asked to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. You've been given a lot of advice on what to decide...I'm here to help you to learn "why". I will give you nothing but the truth and when we're done you might realize that your parents, grandparents and teachers usually have your best interests in mind when they give you advice.

There are two strategies men use to have the children that want. The first is like a spider; he'll mate with as many women as possible and leave several children behind. The children are likely to have a hard time growing to be productive adults, but a couple will overcome the many handicaps of not having a father and become successful.

The second is like a penguin; he'll mate with one woman and stay to support their few children. Each child will have a fair chance of reaching its full potential.

[Charts are shown contrasting the results of the 2 strategies]

Notice how the mothers are affected; which would you prefer?

Which do you think men would prefer? On the one hand he's out there enjoying himself while having sex with a variety of women. On the other he's probably getting yelled at for leaving his socks on the floor.

[Woman #2 tells a story about a guy not requiring sex and marrying for life]

A penguin will not insist on sex before marriage. While he'll often accept it if offered, he's really getting what he needs just by being with you and learning about you. He's interested in how you would raise children, what sort of work you'd like to do, what your politics are, whether you wake up grumpy or not.

You might ask, "where are all of these penguin types? Are there enough to go around?" It turns out that many penguins are practicing spiders. Many men go through their early adult lives as spiders and, when they want to "settle down", become penguins. They often become tired of the intermittent, meaningless sex and want a more committed relationship.

What controls the number of spiders and penguins in the world? Let's do a couple of thought experiments.

First, imagine that all women walk around and have sex with any man who taps them on the shoulder. How many penguins do you think there would be? How do you think penguins would feel if their wives left the house?

Second, imagine that no woman has sex outside of marriage (hers or his). How many spiders do you think there would be? How long would they walk around aimlessly before they realize it's time to settle down?

The truth is that women directly determine the numbers. Women, today, right now, could choose to make their lives spider-free. Of course, there'd be more loneliness; nearly any lonely woman can walk around blindfolded in Central Park and draw a huge crowd of men. But is the pain of loss an acceptable substitute of loneliness?

[Woman #3 tells a story about a guy who would not drive her home without sex]

To be alone with a guy on one of your first dates is risking a lot of pain. He's much stronger than you are so you have to rely on him remaining civil. He certainly doesn't have to. He might have driven dozens of girls to the woods and gotten slapped by many. So what? Several girls probably just sat there in fear and he had a wonderful time. A couple of slaps and angry stares are nothing against the joy of sex to these guys.

[Woman #4 tells a story about a guy not being able to handle her earlier sexual relationships]

Most men are very jealous of a woman's earlier sexual partners, even the same guys that had many sexual partners in their early years. Once you've found and married your penguin, the easiest way to hurt him badly is to tell him that you've slept with dozens of guys...in fact, there goes one now! Most men can not handle this and, while some can, it greatly reduces the pool of men that are available to you.

[Woman #5 tells a story about a woman passing out from drinking too much and being raped]

Alcohol is very similar to venom when use by spiders. Not only does it loosen the women up but it also frees the men from any sense of guilt. They say, "I was drunk and could not control myself". There is very little reason for having alcohol at a party and all women should completely avoid it.

[Woman #6 tells a story about a woman having an affair with a married man, he marries her then cheats with someone else]

This outcome is obvious, someone who proves that he's willing to lie should not be expected to always tell the truth to you. There's nothing more destructive than a woman having an affair with a married man. Other married men know what he's getting away with and that justifies an affair for them. I'd never expect a man who cheats on one woman to be faithful to others. If you know of a woman having an affair with a married man you should help her to stop at once, if she doesn't then you should consider treating her as if she's having an affair with your own husband.

[Woman #7 tells a story about getting into drugs and ending up a prostitute]

Men know that once a woman is hooked on drugs she'd be willing to walk around in Central Park blindfolded for her next fix. They would gladly give the first several hits free of charge, knowing that they can do whatever they want later.

A woman should never go somewhere without trusted friends and should not return without them. It's almost impossible to guarantee that nothing has been added to your drink but having a friend there to take you home will reduce the chance that something terrible could happen.

[Woman #9 tells a story about a stepfather who harms her child]

In some primate societies, the first thing the dominant male does when he overcomes the previous leader is to kill all of the children. That frees up the mothers to care for him and have his children. It takes a special man to adopt a woman's children by another man. [Some statistics?] If you have children it really ought to be by the man that you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

[Woman #10 tells a story about her parents disapproving of boyfriend, they run off together anyway, he abandons her]

A penguin actually needs to get to know the people who are going to be his children's grandparents. If your boyfriend does not get along with your parents then your future will probably be a difficult one.

[Woman #11 tells a story about a single mother having terrible dating experiences]

A child of an unmarried woman is a huge burden in finding a penguin. Penguins know that they are going to invest a lot of time and energy in the children they raise and few look forward to struggling to raise another man's child. Spiders are attracted to single mothers who are obviously sexually active women who usually greatly appreciate the man's interest in their children.

What we're trying to get across here is that there are reasons for the "rules" adults insist on when your welfare is concerned. Parents have a lot invested in you and actually want nothing but your eventual happiness in mind. Your long-term happiness is affected greatly by how much pain you're able to avoid before finding yourself in a safe, committed relationship.

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