For School Settings: Self Esteem Boosts with an EP Spin

• The Chemistry of Hugs by Jim Brody, 2/26/97
  
  

(1) Remember that the child is fundamentally working for his own self interests but his view is more personal and immediate than your own. The child should believe that you want him to prosper, be safe, and be at least as competent as, and sometimes superior to, the other children. Convince the child that you are on his side. Teachers who are seen as the enemy are sometimes teachers who can't get the homework handed to them, even when it's complete. Not doing homework is a powerful way for a child to retaliate against a teacher who is seen as unfair or as the enemy.

(2) Tailor the workload volume and content to fit the child's talents. Give him opportunity for recognition in his areas of strength even if they lie outside of school. Every child is really good at something. Find those skills and highlight them. Robert Brooks uses the concept of "Islands of Competence"; put it to work. Discovering those islands may require that you (a) watch him carefully, (b) ask him what he can do better than anyone else, or (3) interview his parents to learn about family talents in themselves or in their own parents.

(3) Even disruptive behaviors can be adaptive in a different setting. The oppositional child who does things "his way and not yours" could be very adept over the longer run. Rush Limbaugh had, in his words, "a terrible time in school" and couldn't stand college. He once gave himself the month of April off while in high school. Rush still blurts, fidgets, clowns, and argues and makes money because he has these traits in addition to being extraordinarily bright.

(4) Be sure that you are absolutely impartial in the application of rules. Children can be very alert for teachers who "like the girls" or like "only the smart kids."

(5) Have the child monitor himself for strengths & gains. If he is too self-critical, teach him to challenge his outlook by suitable questions such as, "Are you really sure that's true?" ADHD children often have difficulty with self-monitoring but even they accumulate a sense of their relative standing in their group, a position that is largely a function of their physical, social, and practical competence.

(6) Emotionally sensitive children may need triple the frequency of praise as average children. Don't lie to them about their work but find ways to make each of them special or "first."

(7) Encourage parents not to compare their child with siblings who are more academically competitive. Remember Howard Gardner's observation that children who do well in the 1st 12 years of school generally cannot apply their learning outside of the classroom! These same children frequently return to pre-age 6 methods of thinking once they graduate.

(8) Self esteem may have some influence on whether a child is willing to accept your help. Feeling "different" includes having to go to the nurse or a tutor, to have special rules, and to go to doctors. Finding a peer who is respected and with similar needs can probably be helpful.

(9) Assign him helping roles with other students or with your own chores. Find him someone who needs protection; perhaps another student who is weaker, less capable in a topic that is strong for the child with low self esteem.

(10) Don't lecture when reprimanding! You have 1 and only 1 sentence in which to make your point. The child knows your lecture and probably gives it to himself when you let him alone. Lecturing forces him to defend himself which he may do by tearing off a piece of your own self esteem in retaliation. Keep your voice firm without being sarcastic. Give discipline in as private a manner as possible. If the child argues or disagrees, paraphrase his disagreement so that he can hear his own arguments from your mouth. Trade roles with him to help him see your point. Give him a say in the nature of his discipline ... he may be harder on himself than you would be.

(11) It's over when it's over. Once you have given a reprimand, do not linger over it. Don't send notes home to his parents that elicit further punishment if you've already given sanctions in the classroom. Don't compound punishments. Don't punish by taking away a reward the child has just earned for a piece of good behavior. Stay calm. Excess emotionality lets the child know that he has "beat you" and he truly feels prouder for making you upset.

(12) Find them a friend, preferably a teacher, who is nice, consistent, and who has the power to speak up for them. Sometimes have that person present when you meet with the child. A "protector" for the playground can also be helpful.

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