Re: Tension and Stress

• Tension by Robert Burke, 10/25/98
  
  

Robert,

When the striving of an individual is characterized by a "deficiency motivated" sense of inferiority, and is directed toward an over-blown, compensatory superiority over others, there is indeed a chronic, resulting tension. This tension, stress, or anxiety is the gap that he feels between the dreaded (usually hidden)feeling of inferiority and the compulsive demand for an excessive proof of superiority, or a condition of security (one that reality cannot offer). There is a constant "push" from the feeling of inferiority, and a "pull" from the fictional final goal. This is the dilemma of a self-centered style of life that has never been recognized and overcome.

On the other hand, when striving is characterized by "growth motivation," and is no longer pushed by a feeling of deficiency, but guided by a "higher value (see Maslow on self-actualization), there is no longer a painful gap, but a genuine self-acceptance and the gratification of continual improvement. One may gain a "superiority" over one's previous level of functioning, but there is no irrational urge to relieve a feared feeling of inferiority and prove (or imagine) one's superiority over others.

Exhaustion and nervousness may reflect a willingness to sacrifice one's health (as well as the health of others) in the service of a fictional goal that promises relief of inferiority and the "high" of superiority.

A balance in life, between work, love, family, and friendship is best achieved by developing a stronger feeling of community that embraces the well-being of all, including oneself. You can be considerate of and helpful to others, but you also know when to stop, when to rest, and when to ask for help. Taking care of oneself is an essential part of the feeling of community. Self-care should embrace physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Many "workaholics" make generous financial contributions to their families but ignore the impact of their limited family time and pervasive negative feelings.

Achieving a balance in life is related to the kind of person you want to become. If professional or financial success, power, and prestige is primarily driving a person, balance may be superfluous. However, if becoming a fully functioning human being, and helping others do the same, becomes a primary goal, then balance is a logical necessity. Often, the issue of character is overlooked when one is in the grip of burning ambition.

An imbalance may also reflect an unconscious strategy for minimizing or avoiding activities that one is unprepared to engage in, or that do not feed an excessive demand for prestige. Cutting a big deal, or soaking up the admiration of an audience may overshadow the experience of providing understanding and empathy to a spouse or child.

A well-developed feeling of community is the most reliable path to achieving a balanced life. Common sense must be combined with a sensitivity to feeling (one's own and others'), and an openness to feedback from those we have regular contact with.

Daniel Goleman, in his new book Working With Emotional Intelligence, draws some similar conclusions.

For additional information about "the feeling of community" read Classical Adlerian Theory and Practice at http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/hstein/theoprac.htm .

Dr. Stein

• Tension and Stress by Robert Burke, 10/29/98