Re:Feelings with no memories

Thank you for your extensive and informative insights.

First, some clarifications: My current therapist, who is employing EMDR, is proceeding with great care. He has created a safe environment for me. He is well aware of my history. In addition, he has screened for dissociative disorder and has determined that I do not display any symptoms of such a disorder. Since I have only undergone three EMDR sessions to date I feel it is too early to draw any conclusions. I remain open minded, though a bit skeptical.

Second, my previous therapist did offer to provide names of other therapists. In her defense, she was very empathetic during my time with her. And extremely patient. Admittedly, I am a difficult client. Ironically, my closest friends and many who meet me describe me as one of the kindest people they have ever met. Some say I have such a joy for life and wonder how I am always so upbeat. That image, of course, is pure facade, not the real me at all. In therapy, especially during discussions of past trauma, I am anything but upbeat. I looked at therapy this way -- I wanted to feel safe to reveal my deeper, angry thoughts. I didn't think it was appropriate for me to maintain a facade. Unfortunately, when I did discuss my inner demons my previous therapist got spooked. I was very open about my hatred toward women and my fantasies about wanting to hurt them. But as therapy progressed over the months my rage grew more intense and more difficult to contain. I agreed with my therapist that I had to process deeply buried emotions but therapy was taking its toll on me. Processing those emotions -- without being provided tools to contain them -- caused severe damage to me.

That is why I am turning to EMDR. Actually, yesterday's session seemed to help me. I was able to revisit very painful times in my childhood and feel the rage, humiliation, and helplessness without being overwhelmed. Odd really. During the session I thought back to when my father would beat my mother, pull her hair, kick her, and call her a fat c*nt. She would scream for us to call the police but at seven years old I was so confused about what to do. If I called the police I would get beaten and besides my mother would later forgive my father and say he was just discipling us all. If I didn't call the police I was abandoning my mother. From the time I was 4 or 5 until I was 18 I witnessed or was the victim of regular beatings, emotional abuse, and violence.

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