Re:Sensations

Having been through several EMDR sessions, I find that they can be very taxing both physically and mentally. I'm often exhausted for a few days afterwards, but I'm noticing some really GOOD effects. (If you go back to my original post "sensations", you can get an idea of what I've been through over the years.) I'm finding that for the first time in years I'm feeling rested in the morning when I wake up, I still have nightmares, but instead of every night, they are maybe 3 nights a week. My muscles feel more relaxed then I ever remember them feeling, flashbacks are less frequent. My concentration is slightly improved, it wasn't too great prior to my first traumatic experience so even slightly improved is a milestone for me. I'm able to journal more easily, and even though I can't give you a label for each emotion I'm feeling for the first time, I'm able to describe them enough to where others are able to assist me in matching the right word with the feeling. The only emotions I can honestly say I know the "right" name for tend to be along the lines of anger, rage, frustration ... etc. I've never felt or experienced happiness, joy, peace or the majority of what might be called posative emotions, so I'm entering a whole new world. While its terrifying to step into the unknown, I find that looking it as though I'm an explorer who just discovered a new world it makes it less overwhelming.

I could keep going with listing the good things I've noticed, but I'm afraid it would take too much space.

As far as the process of deciding whether to go ahead with EMDR or not, I was VERY skeptical, and questioned every aspect of it. My therapist gave me a brief description of it, then suggested that I research it online. I read everything I could find whether it was pro or anti EMDR. I suspect I probably read some of the same things you have about feelings nausea and such, but my biggest concern stemmed from my personal beliefs and views regarding anything that messed around with someone's subconcious thinking. I initially thought EMDR was some form of hypnosis, but through reading and discussing this with my therapist, I learned that it was not hypnosis, and that I would be totally aware of what was being said or done by me. That pretty much satisfied me in regards to that concern. My greatest fear was that I would experience a major episode of conversion blindness. It is something that is always at the back of my mind, as far as fears go, but I generally can keep that fear at a low level. Having experienced conversion blindness for 2 solid months, it was something that while I have the skills to still be able to function with or without vision, I really didn't want to have to use those skills. When I discussed this fear, which to me was right up there with stepping into unknown territory, with my therapist, she asked me which I viewed as being the worst thing to go through ... A) a life time of reliving the taumas I endured as a child with the possible risk of an increase in symptoms or B) a short-term risk of experiencing the one symptom I dreaded the most in exchange for a chance at a more peaceful life in the long-term? I thought about it for about a week, and decided that experincing short-term emotional struggles in order to gain a chance at a better life in the long-term sounded better then suffering needlessly.

Has it been easy to follow through with my choice? No, it has been like riding an emotional rollercoaster, but with the little improvements I've seen in myself already, it gives me a glimmer of hope that I'll be able to get off the rollercoaster as a survivor instead of the traumatized victim that I've been for so many years.

I know I said a lot, but I felt like I needed to in order to offer an honest response. I hope it helps you in your decision in either going with EMDR or not going with it.

Replies:

Re:Sensations, by Sweetpea, 10/19/03 Re:Sensations, by Jenca, 10/20/03

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