weird experience w/ bls

A few nights ago I was thinking over difficulties I have had recently re: teaching my four year daughter to read and write. As I was thinking, I began associating memories of several things... including the fact that I was taken out of school in first grade and, in that time period, was severely traumatized and became regressed: mute periods, "catatonic" spells, conversing with "voices", hiding, screaming fits. I also lost the ability to do simple math, remember my ABC's, recite nursery rhymes, dance -- anything requiring memory, movement and symetry. (I wouldn't quite have phrased it that way a week ago, but it fits now.)

As I thought about all this... and about how very difficult it thus is for me to teach the ABC's to my child and to do simple exercises like "What comes before 'p'?" because "I" cannot remember myself, consistently, I began to do eye movements. This utterly strange sensation happened... I am assuming some sort of integration and, moments later, I found myself able to recite the ABC's (forward and BACKWARDS) and to do simple math by rote... for the first time since kindergarten.

The ability has not remained entirely consistently since... but it has remained, to an extent. I am also able to deliberately do em's and "create" the ability -- bridge, I believe, the mental gap between parts of self. During session today, casually "playing" with the tac/audio I found that if I concentrated on the pulses and recited my ABC's it was both integrating and grounding.

This all seems odd to me, because it's not like an usual integration of beliefs, affect or sensation. This is like acquiring a skill I didn't know I had. I can carry a tune... and believe me, I couldn't last week. I was the kind of kid who couldn't learn to skip. Suddenly sound makes sense. Organized sound, I mean. Math makes sense... on a gut level. (As a teen, I used to throw away countless sheets of papers "looking" for the "right" handwriting with which to "do" math, but I could rarely access that "handwriting" -- it was a couple of years later that I was dx'd as MPD).

I'm sorry this is so long... I am unsure how to describe or categorize what has happened. It's like accessing knowledge of a different, heretofore unknown language. As if I had a part of self stuck in a regressed place. As if the part is no longer so "stuck". I don't know what to make of it, although, at the age of 31, it's nice to be able to finally recite my ABC's without hesitation. :-|

Comments or ideas?

Replies:

Re:weird experience w/ bls, by Sandra Paulsen Inobe PhD, 09/03/03 Re:weird experience w/ bls, by , 09/04/03

| Behavior OnLine Home Page | Disclaimer |

Copyright © 1996-2004 Behavior OnLine, Inc. All rights reserved.